Now that Amazon have taken over the 007 franchise, I suggest that Mr Bezos plays Blofeld and that 007 marries Wonder Woman in the next film.
Victor was 4 years old and was staying with his grandfather for a few days.
He'd been playing outside with the other kids, when he came into the house and asked,
'Grandpa, what's that called when two people sleep in the same bedroom and one is on top of the other?'
His Grandpa was a little taken aback, but he decided to tell him the truth.
'Well, Victor, it's called sexual intercourse.'
'Oh,' Little Vic said, 'OK,' and went back outside to play with the other kids.
A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, 'Grandpa, it isn't called sexual intercourse.
It's called Bunk Beds.
And Jimmy's mum wants to talk to you!
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Sil.
Sil who?
Silhouette.
Paddy is 85 and lives in a Senior Citizens Home. Every night after dinner he goes to a secluded garden behind the home to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life. One evening, Mary, age 82, wanders into the garden. They begin to chat and before they know it, several hours have passed.
After a short lull in their conversation, Paddy turns to Mary and asks, "Do you know what I miss most of all?"
She asks, "What?''
"Sex." he replies.
Mary exclaims, "Why you old toot. You couldn't get it up if I held a gun to your head!"
"I know," says Paddy, "but it would be nice if a woman could just hold it for a while."
"Well, I can oblige," says Mary, who unzips his trousers, removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it.
Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and Mary would hold Paddy's thingie.
Then one night Paddy didn't show up at their usual meeting place.
Alarmed, Mary decided to find him and make sure he was O.K.
She walked around the Senior Citizen Home where she found him sitting by the pool with Ethel, another female resident, who was holding Paddy's's little pal!
Furious, Mary yelled, "You two-timing son-of-a-gun!! What does Ethel have that I don't have?"
Old Paddy smiled happily and replied, "Parkinson's"
THE HUMAN BRAIN
the human brain is an amazing organ
it works continuously
24 hours a day
7 days a week
52 weeks of the year
from before leaving the womb
right up till you
vote Labour
My wife and I decided we didnt want children
it was a difficult decision but we are telling them tonight.
A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the M25 near London. Nothing was moving. Suddenly, a man knocks on the window.
The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?"
"Terrorists have kidnapped all members of Parliament, and they're asking for a £100 million ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in petrol and set them on fire. We are going from car to car, collecting donations."
"How much is everyone giving, on an average?" the driver asks.
The man replies, "Roughly a litre."
My great grandad had a terrible accident.
He was up on some scaffolding, when it gave way & he fell through.
He would have broken both legs if it hadn't been for that rope around his neck!
I was getting ready for a video hearing the other day last week - wash hair and a shave.
Suddenly, as I looked in the mirror, I realised I was getting old - I almost shampooed my hair with mouthwash.
Afterthought: today I ran out of shampoo so went to the Barbers to have all my hair cut off. Now I do resemble Blofeld and can swim faster.
Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When little Johnny received his plate, he started eating straight away.
"Jonny, wait until we've said our prayer," his mother reminded him.
"I don't have to." - the little boy replied.
"Of course you do." – his mother insisted. "We say a prayer before eating at our house."
“That's at our house,” Johnny explained, "but this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook."
Back in the days of the Wild West, cowboys on the range would hang a lantern on their saddles to help them find their way home. One of the earliest known examples of saddlelight navigation.
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