I think this draft would benefit from more structure, and a change of focus. Your main point of argument is (or should be), the PoFA fail, but currently around 75% of your draft focuses on a timeline of who sent what when, and the issue of the 2nd PCN, which potentially acts more as a distraction than a help in its current form.
By all means mention the debacle of them sending 2 PCNs, and the request for driver's details, as examples of their poor practice, but in my opinion your appeal would be far stronger if it focuses on the key issue of PoFA compliance. After all, this is a reason why no money is owed by you as the keeper. Them sending two PCNs on the face of it, isn't.
Have you looked at the examples on the MSE post I linked to? They often include a clear structure that guides the assessor through the points. I'd recommend setting it out your reasons in a similar structure, such as:
- The operator has not shown that the individual who it is pursuing is in fact the driver who may have been liable for the charge- I'd be minded to set this point out clearly before your point about PoFA. After all, their lack of compliance with PoFA is only relevant if it has not been established who was driving, so make this point clearly, and leave the assessor in no doubt that you are appealing as keeper, and that they therefore need to consider your liability as the keeper.
- Failure to comply with PoFA - Make this as thorough as you can. Explain what they need to do to comply, and how what they have done is insufficient. To do this, make it clear why simply saying "St Michael's Court" does not specify where the incident took place, ideally providing examples of the fact that it could refer to multiple locations (perhaps include a list of car parks you identified that bear such a name, and how their vague location therefore does not specify where the incident occurred).
- If you wish, you can then mention the issues around them issuing a second PCN etc., as examples of their poor practice, and failure to consider the substantive points raised in your appeal
- Landowner Authority - this is what you might describe as a 'speculative' appeal point, so it's your call whether to include it. The MSE link I provided in a previous post sets out this appeal point. It basically puts ParkingEye to proof that they have a valid contract to manage parking on the site in question. If they don't produce one, result.
- Finish with a brief summary explaining that for the various reasons outlined above, your appeal should be upheld and the charge should be cancelled.
To make the appeal more readable, and easier to follow, I'd recommend using headings and numbering your appeal points. Clear grounds of appeal in headings, with the detailed explanations underneath.