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Messages - v8offroad

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1
The Flame Pit / Re: Humour thread
« on: October 28, 2025, 04:11:15 pm »
Betty went to the cemetery every day in her village to water the flowers on the grave of her deceased husband Harry.

When she was finished she always walked backwards when leaving the grave!

One day her friend Leila asked, 'Betty why do you always leave the cemetery walking backwards?'

Betty answered, 'When Harry was alive he always told me 'You have got such a great ass; it could bring a dead man back to life!'... I'm not taking any chances!'

2
The Flame Pit / Re: Humour thread
« on: October 05, 2025, 09:18:09 pm »
The Bunny and the Snake.
Once upon a time, allegedly, in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake.
By a surprising coincidence, both were blind from birth.
One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down. This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit.
"Oh, my," said the bunny,
"I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I've been blind since birth, so, I can't see where I'm going. In fact, since I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am."
"It's quite OK," replied the snake.
"Actually, my story is much the same as yours. I, too, have been blind since birth, and also never knew my mother. Tell you what, maybe I could slither all over you, and work out >what you are, so at least you'll have that going for you.."
"Oh, that would be wonderful" replied the bunny. So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, "Well, you're covered with soft fur; you have really long ears; your nose twitches; and you have a soft cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny rabbit."
"Oh, thank you! Thank you," cried the bunny, in obvious excitement. The bunny suggested to the snake, "Maybe I could feel you all over with my paw, and help you the same way that you've helped me."
So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, "Well, you're smooth and slippery, and you have a forked tongue, no ears, no backbone and no balls.
I'd say you must be either a team leader or possibly someone in senior management".

3
The Flame Pit / Re: Humour thread
« on: April 22, 2025, 02:10:22 pm »
Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When little Johnny received his plate, he started eating straight away.

"Jonny, wait until we've said our prayer," his mother reminded him.

"I don't have to." - the little boy replied.

"Of course you do." – his mother insisted. "We say a prayer before eating at our house."

“That's at our house,” Johnny explained, "but this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook."

4
The Flame Pit / Re: Humour thread
« on: March 30, 2025, 11:15:57 am »
A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the M25 near London.  Nothing was moving.  Suddenly, a man knocks on the window.
The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?"
"Terrorists have kidnapped all members of Parliament, and they're asking for a £100 million ransom.  Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in petrol and set them on fire.  We are going from car to car, collecting donations."
"How much is everyone giving, on an average?" the driver asks.





The man replies, "Roughly a litre."

5
The Flame Pit / Re: Humour thread
« on: March 29, 2025, 11:06:53 am »
Paddy is 85 and lives in a Senior Citizens Home. Every night after dinner he goes to a secluded garden behind the home to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life. One evening, Mary, age 82, wanders into the garden. They begin to chat and before they know it, several hours have passed.

After a short lull in their conversation, Paddy turns to Mary and asks, "Do you know what I miss most of all?"

She asks, "What?''

"Sex." he replies.

Mary exclaims, "Why you old toot. You couldn't get it up if I held a gun to your head!"

"I know," says Paddy, "but it would be nice if a woman could just hold it for a while."

"Well, I can oblige," says Mary, who unzips his trousers, removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it.

Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and Mary would hold Paddy's thingie.

Then one night Paddy didn't show up at their usual meeting place.

Alarmed, Mary decided to find him and make sure he was O.K.

She walked around the Senior Citizen Home where she found him sitting by the pool with Ethel, another female resident, who was holding Paddy's's little pal!

Furious, Mary yelled, "You two-timing son-of-a-gun!! What does Ethel have that I don't have?"



Old Paddy smiled happily and replied, "Parkinson's"

6
The Flame Pit / Re: Humour thread
« on: March 01, 2025, 05:38:37 am »
Victor was 4 years old and was staying with his grandfather for a few days.
He'd been playing outside with the other kids, when he came into the house and asked,
'Grandpa, what's that called when two people sleep in the same bedroom and one is on top of the other?'
His Grandpa was a little taken aback, but he decided to tell him the truth.
'Well, Victor, it's called sexual intercourse.'
'Oh,' Little Vic said, 'OK,' and went back outside to play with the other kids.
A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, 'Grandpa, it isn't called sexual intercourse.

It's called Bunk Beds.


And Jimmy's mum wants to talk to you!

7
The Flame Pit / Re: Humour thread
« on: February 14, 2025, 10:15:28 am »
A hotel guest calls the front desk from his room on the eighth floor.
The call is picked up by the clerk on the reception desk.
The clerk answers,
"May I help you?"
The man says,
"Yes, I'm in room 858"
"You need to send someone to my room immediately"
"What seems to be the problem sir?"
Asks the clerk,
"I'm having an argument with my wife and she's threatening to jump out of the window."
The desk clerk calmly says,
"I'm very sorry to hear that sir, but that's a personal matter."
The man replies,
"Listen you idiot, the window won't open... and that's a maintenance matter!"

8
The Flame Pit / Re: Driving law proposals could see motorway speed limits raised to 100mph to 'reduce congestion'
« on: May 07, 2024, 08:20:34 pm »
1965, the minister of Transport, Tom Fraser, announced a 70mph limit on all unrestricted roads for a trial period of four months. The limit was extended by Barbara Castle in 1966, and made permanent in 1967.

9
The Flame Pit / Re: Driving law proposals could see motorway speed limits raised to 100mph to 'reduce congestion'
« on: May 07, 2024, 08:28:25 am »
 On 11 June 1964 a team from AC Cars met at 4am at the Blue Boar Services (Watford Gap) on the M1. They were there to speed-test a Cobra Coupe GT in preparation for Le Mans.

They didn’t have a long enough stretch of straight test track to check the top speed of the car, so they opted to use a section of the motorway instead. The driver, Jack Sears, registered speeds of 185 mph during the run, which is the highest speed ever recorded on a British motorway. The absence of any speed limit meant their test run was perfectly legal.

Two policemen approached the team at the services afterwards, but only to get a closer look at the car!

A number of car crashes during the foggy autumn of 1965 led the government to hold consultations with the police and the National Road Safety Advisory Council. They concluded that the crashes were caused by vehicles travelling too fast for the conditions.

It was suggested that a speed limit be used during periods when the road was affected by fog, ice or snow, and that an overall maximum speed limit of 70 mph should be tested out. The four-month trial began at midday on 22 December 1965.

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