Free Traffic Legal Advice

General discussion => The Flame Pit => Topic started by: Hippocrates on April 24, 2024, 11:23:41 am

Title: Re: Humour thread
Post by: Hippocrates on December 26, 2025, 04:28:48 pm
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P6lc92NRAOk&pp=0gcJCU0KAYcqIYzv
Title: Re: Humour thread
Post by: Hippocrates on December 22, 2025, 09:19:00 pm
Indeed, it beggars bailiff!
Which reminds me: I must trim the Bay Leaf Tree.
Title: Re: Humour thread
Post by: roythebus on December 22, 2025, 08:57:10 pm
Indeed, it beggars bailiff!
Title: Re: Humour thread
Post by: Hippocrates on December 22, 2025, 08:51:32 pm
Do I detect a thread of desperation there? Begging even. "Please pay..." Begging bowl out.

It beggars belief!
Title: Re: Humour thread
Post by: roythebus on December 22, 2025, 11:25:47 am
Do I detect a thread of desperation there? Begging even. "Please pay..." Begging bowl out.
Title: Re: Humour thread
Post by: Hippocrates on December 21, 2025, 06:57:33 pm
The amount outstanding on the PCN is £80.00, and will increase to £160.00 on Wed, 31 Dec 2025. However, this PCN currently has an offer, meaning you can pay at a reduced rate of £80.00. This offer expires on Sun, 4 Jan 2026. Please pay £80.00 now.
Title: Re: Humour thread
Post by: Hippocrates on December 14, 2025, 07:48:37 pm
Not really a joke but funny: 

Hackney:  QZ21613144  VRM HV12FFL.  I am looking forward to this as it's a friend's of  mine. Thus spoke the Gemini Man.

"The amount outstanding on the PCN is £80.00 and will increase to £80.00 on Thursday 20 Nov. 2025.  Please pay £80.00 now."

Who is responsible for this?  Dr. Who? Tiny Tim? Scrooge? Tim Nice but Dim? (Harry Enfield character)


Dr. Who:

https://drive.google.com/file/d/111no8lMwu6cTiWjR0enZIqNvUax90Qrz/view
Title: Re: Humour thread
Post by: Hippocrates on November 30, 2025, 06:28:29 pm
Office
For
Budget
Revelation
Title: Re: Humour thread
Post by: Hippocrates on November 14, 2025, 02:40:06 pm
I am so poor that I cannot afford to go to the tailor to get my clothes mended or, indeed, to go to the dentist to get my teeth cleaned.

Accordingly, I use knitting needles to remove the plaque between my teeth
.  :D

Actually, paper clips are even cheaper and more colourful.
Title: Re: Humour thread
Post by: Hippocrates on November 11, 2025, 02:11:50 pm
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0fQTRmviAxc
Title: Re: Humour thread
Post by: v8offroad on October 28, 2025, 04:11:15 pm
Betty went to the cemetery every day in her village to water the flowers on the grave of her deceased husband Harry.

When she was finished she always walked backwards when leaving the grave!

One day her friend Leila asked, 'Betty why do you always leave the cemetery walking backwards?'

Betty answered, 'When Harry was alive he always told me 'You have got such a great ass; it could bring a dead man back to life!'... I'm not taking any chances!'
Title: Re: Humour thread
Post by: Hippocrates on October 21, 2025, 11:09:44 pm
A man from Windsor goes to Pizza Express in Woking and orders a Pizza Royale, with peppercorn. Upon attacking the peppercorn, he cannot help but sneeze and breaks out into a sweat.  The resultant indigestion necessitated a stiff dose of Andrews Liver Salts.
Title: Re: Humour thread
Post by: Hippocrates on October 13, 2025, 09:00:19 pm
https://youtu.be/64P4W5zsCz8

007 v The Invisible Man.
Title: Re: Humour thread
Post by: mickR on October 05, 2025, 11:41:51 pm
was the snake called Kier?
Title: Re: Humour thread
Post by: v8offroad on October 05, 2025, 09:18:09 pm
The Bunny and the Snake.
Once upon a time, allegedly, in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake.
By a surprising coincidence, both were blind from birth.
One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down. This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit.
"Oh, my," said the bunny,
"I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I've been blind since birth, so, I can't see where I'm going. In fact, since I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am."
"It's quite OK," replied the snake.
"Actually, my story is much the same as yours. I, too, have been blind since birth, and also never knew my mother. Tell you what, maybe I could slither all over you, and work out >what you are, so at least you'll have that going for you.."
"Oh, that would be wonderful" replied the bunny. So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, "Well, you're covered with soft fur; you have really long ears; your nose twitches; and you have a soft cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny rabbit."
"Oh, thank you! Thank you," cried the bunny, in obvious excitement. The bunny suggested to the snake, "Maybe I could feel you all over with my paw, and help you the same way that you've helped me."
So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, "Well, you're smooth and slippery, and you have a forked tongue, no ears, no backbone and no balls.
I'd say you must be either a team leader or possibly someone in senior management".
Title: Re: Humour thread
Post by: Hippocrates on September 08, 2025, 04:40:31 pm
Guess what the identification number of the most prolific CEO is who works in Tooting?


2820
Title: Re: Humour thread
Post by: Hippocrates on August 24, 2025, 12:01:26 pm
I am so poor that I cannot afford to go to the tailor to get my clothes mended or, indeed, to go to the dentist to get my teeth cleaned.

Accordingly, I use knitting needles to remove the plaque between my teeth
.  :D
Title: Re: Humour thread
Post by: Hippocrates on August 15, 2025, 08:43:38 am
https://youtu.be/erxI4EwbppA
Title: Re: Humour thread
Post by: Hippocrates on August 04, 2025, 08:33:05 am
There was a performer called Liszt
Each time he did play he was pi££ed.
Apparent to all
Who sat in the hall
And so it was right they all hissed.
Title: Re: Humour thread
Post by: Hippocrates on July 27, 2025, 11:58:11 am
An example of loose language:

https://emea01.safelinks.protection.outlook.com/?url=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.macclesfield-live.co.uk%2Fnews%2Flocal-news%2Fhere-comes-the-judge-2540350&data=05%7C02%7C%7C5e6e4b2892da4460456308ddcc471d62%7C84df9e7fe9f640afb435aaaaaaaaaaaa%7C1%7C0%7C638891327989964996%7CUnknown%7CTWFpbGZsb3d8eyJFbXB0eU1hcGkiOnRydWUsIlYiOiIwLjAuMDAwMCIsIlAiOiJXaW4zMiIsIkFOIjoiTWFpbCIsIldUIjoyfQ%3D%3D%7C0%7C%7C%7C&sdata=IBat%2BgvaDD5R1Bm2wnbeTP1xeo5sIliNzqRRbChDpi4%3D&reserved=0
Title: Re: Humour thread
Post by: Fluffykins on May 10, 2025, 09:16:29 pm
I've just tried a new deodorant. It's marketed on a Fred Flintstone theme
A little dab'll do
Title: Re: Humour thread
Post by: Fluffykins on May 08, 2025, 06:46:00 pm
RIP to a mate of mine,
his wife sent him out to get some sewing thread but ended up in the pub all day.
Gone but not for cotton
Title: Re: Humour thread
Post by: Fluffykins on May 08, 2025, 06:44:57 pm
Back in the days of the Wild West, cowboys on the range would hang a lantern on their saddles to help them find their way home. One of the earliest known examples of saddlelight navigation.
Title: Re: Humour thread
Post by: Hippocrates on May 08, 2025, 12:55:01 pm
Operation Kit Kat

https://youtu.be/i4q07cOXS6E
Title: Re: Humour thread
Post by: v8offroad on April 22, 2025, 02:10:22 pm
Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When little Johnny received his plate, he started eating straight away.

"Jonny, wait until we've said our prayer," his mother reminded him.

"I don't have to." - the little boy replied.

"Of course you do." – his mother insisted. "We say a prayer before eating at our house."

“That's at our house,” Johnny explained, "but this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook."
Title: Re: Humour thread
Post by: Hippocrates on April 15, 2025, 08:42:35 pm
I was getting ready for a video hearing the other day last week - wash hair and a shave.

Suddenly, as I looked in the mirror, I realised I was getting old - I almost shampooed my hair with mouthwash.


Afterthought: today I ran out of shampoo so went to the Barbers to have all my hair cut off. Now I do resemble Blofeld and can swim faster.
Title: Re: Humour thread
Post by: Charitynjw on April 06, 2025, 08:48:38 am
My great grandad had a terrible accident.
He was up on some scaffolding, when it gave way & he fell through.
He would have broken both legs if it hadn't been for that rope around his neck!  ;D
Title: Re: Humour thread
Post by: v8offroad on March 30, 2025, 11:15:57 am
A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the M25 near London.  Nothing was moving.  Suddenly, a man knocks on the window.
The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?"
"Terrorists have kidnapped all members of Parliament, and they're asking for a £100 million ransom.  Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in petrol and set them on fire.  We are going from car to car, collecting donations."
"How much is everyone giving, on an average?" the driver asks.





The man replies, "Roughly a litre."
Title: Re: Humour thread
Post by: mickR on March 29, 2025, 01:52:56 pm
My wife and I decided we didnt want children
it was a difficult decision but we are telling them tonight.
Title: Re: Humour thread
Post by: mickR on March 29, 2025, 01:45:38 pm
THE HUMAN BRAIN
 
the human brain is an amazing organ
it works continuously
24 hours a day
7 days a week
52 weeks of the year
from before leaving the womb
right up till you
vote Labour
Title: Re: Humour thread
Post by: v8offroad on March 29, 2025, 11:06:53 am
Paddy is 85 and lives in a Senior Citizens Home. Every night after dinner he goes to a secluded garden behind the home to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life. One evening, Mary, age 82, wanders into the garden. They begin to chat and before they know it, several hours have passed.

After a short lull in their conversation, Paddy turns to Mary and asks, "Do you know what I miss most of all?"

She asks, "What?''

"Sex." he replies.

Mary exclaims, "Why you old toot. You couldn't get it up if I held a gun to your head!"

"I know," says Paddy, "but it would be nice if a woman could just hold it for a while."

"Well, I can oblige," says Mary, who unzips his trousers, removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it.

Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and Mary would hold Paddy's thingie.

Then one night Paddy didn't show up at their usual meeting place.

Alarmed, Mary decided to find him and make sure he was O.K.

She walked around the Senior Citizen Home where she found him sitting by the pool with Ethel, another female resident, who was holding Paddy's's little pal!

Furious, Mary yelled, "You two-timing son-of-a-gun!! What does Ethel have that I don't have?"



Old Paddy smiled happily and replied, "Parkinson's"
Title: Re: Humour thread
Post by: Hippocrates on March 03, 2025, 11:27:44 am
Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Sil.

Sil who?

Silhouette.
Title: Re: Humour thread
Post by: Hippocrates on March 01, 2025, 10:45:33 pm
https://youtube.com/shorts/Bvd7AANPI9A?feature=share
Title: Re: Humour thread
Post by: Hippocrates on March 01, 2025, 02:52:56 pm
https://youtube.com/shorts/Ytet8dr1EMw
Title: Re: Humour thread
Post by: v8offroad on March 01, 2025, 05:38:37 am
Victor was 4 years old and was staying with his grandfather for a few days.
He'd been playing outside with the other kids, when he came into the house and asked,
'Grandpa, what's that called when two people sleep in the same bedroom and one is on top of the other?'
His Grandpa was a little taken aback, but he decided to tell him the truth.
'Well, Victor, it's called sexual intercourse.'
'Oh,' Little Vic said, 'OK,' and went back outside to play with the other kids.
A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, 'Grandpa, it isn't called sexual intercourse.

It's called Bunk Beds.


And Jimmy's mum wants to talk to you!
Title: Re: Humour thread
Post by: Hippocrates on February 28, 2025, 08:24:20 pm
Now that Amazon have taken over the 007 franchise, I suggest that Mr Bezos plays Blofeld and that 007 marries Wonder Woman in the next film.
Title: Re: Humour thread
Post by: Hippocrates on February 22, 2025, 11:41:41 am
The fact that some people do not know the difference between entomology and etymology bugs me in ways that I cannot put into words.

I went to see my doctor to complain about buzzing in my ear. But, he said that it was just a bug going around.
Title: Re: Humour thread
Post by: Hippocrates on February 15, 2025, 10:35:55 am
There was this poor chap who suffered continuously with an awful pain in his right shoulder. This affected his work and his marriage.

He tried absolutely all channels of medical exploration to no avail: the GP, the physiotherapist and, as a last resort, an expensive osteopath, by which time his marriage was over and he was about to lose his job.

His one last hope was, as the osteopath advised, to see a chiropractor. The man replied: "You must be joking. I can't afford the flight!"
Title: Re: Humour thread
Post by: Hippocrates on February 14, 2025, 04:50:35 pm
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I'm a Gemini,
And so am I.



:-*  :-*  :-*  :-*  :-*  :-*  :-*  :-*  :-*  :-*  :-*  :-*  :-*  :-* 


Happy Valentine's Day  :D
Title: Re: Humour thread
Post by: NigelJK on February 14, 2025, 04:16:03 pm
Two lawyers walk into a pub. They order a couple of drinks and take their sandwiches out of their briefcases and then they begin to eat them.

Seeing this, the angry publican exclaims, “Excuse me, but you can’t eat your own sandwiches in here!”

The two lawyers look at each other, shrug their shoulders, and then exchange sandwiches.
Title: Re: Humour thread
Post by: Hippocrates on February 14, 2025, 02:09:46 pm
The fact that some people do not know the difference between entomology and etymology bugs me in ways that I cannot put into words.

Jeff Goldblum had dinner with Suzie Dent one evening. He had a fly in his soup and she had a bookworm in hers.
Title: Re: Humour thread
Post by: v8offroad on February 14, 2025, 10:15:28 am
A hotel guest calls the front desk from his room on the eighth floor.
The call is picked up by the clerk on the reception desk.
The clerk answers,
"May I help you?"
The man says,
"Yes, I'm in room 858"
"You need to send someone to my room immediately"
"What seems to be the problem sir?"
Asks the clerk,
"I'm having an argument with my wife and she's threatening to jump out of the window."
The desk clerk calmly says,
"I'm very sorry to hear that sir, but that's a personal matter."
The man replies,
"Listen you idiot, the window won't open... and that's a maintenance matter!"
Title: Re: Humour thread
Post by: andy_foster on February 14, 2025, 12:10:01 am
The fact that some people do not know the difference between entomology and etymology bugs me in ways that I cannot put into words.
Title: Re: Humour thread
Post by: Hippocrates on February 13, 2025, 09:45:43 pm
Okay then, as nobody else wishes to share jokes with me et alia, here is another one:

What's the difference between an entomologist and an etymologist?

Short answer: a typo.

Real answer: the former watches Spiderman movies while the latter watches Countdown! Suzie Dent in Dictionary Corner.

She is a lexicographer. I am glad I got the first letter right!
Title: Re: Humour thread
Post by: Hippocrates on February 06, 2025, 11:18:56 pm
My 70th:  https://youtu.be/PBtLeVClou0

I do hope there is one Adjudicator who, when he retires, may work with me; but, I am two years older than he.  :D
Title: Re: Humour thread
Post by: Hippocrates on January 21, 2025, 07:47:06 pm
The relevant maxim: let's not take ourselves too seriously.
Title: Re: Humour thread
Post by: andy_foster on January 20, 2025, 10:40:52 pm
I was prompted to resurrect this thread and make it a sticky by a comment in a report from a member concerning another member who had what can be best described as a "toys out of pram" moment. I won't name the author, or the culprit, but leave it up to the author to take credit if he so chooses. That option is no longer open to the culprit.

I don't know whether it is actually all that funny, or whether it was just the frame of mind I was in when this delightfully understated comment popped up in my email - much like when a High Court judge makes an off the cuff comment during solemn proceedings, but either way, it brightened up my evening.

"I think this OP should be requested to find another forum more to his liking"
Title: Re: Humour thread
Post by: Hippocrates on December 22, 2024, 09:08:44 pm
https://youtu.be/0aTMSUbhf-Q
Title: Re: Humour thread
Post by: Hippocrates on June 29, 2024, 08:14:32 pm
My doctor says I am allowed to eat Emmental cheese when on a diet - provided I eat only the holes.  :(
Title: Re: Humour thread
Post by: Hippocrates on June 24, 2024, 06:53:47 pm
People always ask me why I wear binoculars in bed when on holiday in Greece. The answer is simple: so as to make it easier to zap the mosquitoes.    ;D
Title: Re: Humour thread
Post by: BertB on April 25, 2024, 10:34:32 am
(https://tenor.com/view/boo-boo-this-man-mad-angry-gif-16849857.gif)
Title: Humour thread
Post by: Hippocrates on April 24, 2024, 11:23:41 am
This is the story of Sonia Snell.
to whom an accident befell.
It happened as it does to many
That Sonia went to spend a penny.
And entered in, with modest grace
The properly appointed place.
Provided at the railway station.
And there she sat in meditation
Unfortunately unacquainted that
The woodwork had been newly painted
Which made poor Sonia realise
Her inability to rise
and though she struggled pulled and yelled
she found that she was firmly held.
Her cries for help soon quickly brought
A crowd of every kind and sort
who stood around and feebly sniggered
But all they said was " I'll be jiggered
The station master and his staff
were most polite and did not laugh.
They tugged at Sonia's hands and feet
But could not shift her off the seat.
A carpenter arrived at last
and finding Sonia still stuck fast
Remarked, " I know what to do"
and neatly sawed the seat in two.
An ambulance then came down the street
and bore her off complete with seat.
To Take that wooden bustled girl
of quickly to the hospital
Where taking her by feet and head
they laid her face down on the bed.
The doctors all then gathered round
A surgeon looked said " I'll be bound
Have any of you I implore
Seen anything like this before.
"Yes" said a student unashamed
"Frequently, but never framed